What’s In Your Adult Playbox? by Nora B. Peevy

As your official nonfiction writer for the Weird Wide Web, it’s my duty to explore ALL things WEIRD. I did the dirty for you on this one and came up with the strangest sex toys you can purchase on the internet for your pleasure or just as … um … décor for your home.

Trust me. Some of these are worthy of being displayed in your home as art. Before you go any further with this article – YOU’VE BEEN WARNED. I’ll give you some space to make sure you want to read this but come on. I know our Weird Wide Web readers must be pretty weird, and your human curiosity is getting the better of you, isn’t it? Just think about this – What do dinosaurs and Nicholas Cage have in common? Continue reading to find out and have the coolest party intro line ever. Because this is the Weird Wide Web, I am listening to crystal aura cleansing music on YouTube as I draft this because … well, it’s peaceful and I have a migraine. But inside I am dying of laughter as I type this.

In the last twenty-four hours, there have been sixteen views of the multicolored dinosaur dildo. Yes, that’s right. I said DINOSAUR DILDO and it comes (or cums) in DIFFERENT COLORS. It’s on sale for another day, which sadly, Weird Wide Web followers, the coolest followers on the Planet Earth, won’t be able to take advantage of by the time this article posts. Such a shame. Everyone wants a “Dickasaurus Rex” as it is appropriately named. It comes in sizes ranging from 2 x 6 centimeters to 20 centimeters. WHOA BABY! That’s a LOT of loving!

Find it here: Dickasaurus Rex Dino Dick Funny Gag Gift NSFW – Etsy

If you’re not into dinosaurs, (mine is the plesiosaur for today) then maybe, you would like a Dickolas Cage. Yes, I said “DICKOLAS CAGE.” Now this one is more of an art piece, since it’s made from 3D plastic and I wouldn’t want to put that anywhere near my lady parts, but it comes in two different sizes – four or six inches. There are only nine left this weekend, and one is in someone’s shopping cart right now! OOH! Is it one of you Weird Wide Webbers? Hmm … Apparently, they are sold out of black and gold, but you can still buy Dickolas Cage in tan, rainbow, white, brown, and beige. Because girls everyone knows that neutrals go with EVERYTHING. Especially, when it’s a Dickolas Cage.

Here’s the link: Dickolas Cage, Nicolas Cage Penis Figurine – Etsy

Men, are you not COMPLETELY satisfied with the way your lover gives you a blowjob? Well, don’t worry. I am an all-inclusive author, and I found a toy for you, too, AND it came from Men’s Health, so I am sure it’s legitimate and works.

If you try it out, be sure to give us a review on here… or don’t. “It’s your (my) prerogative,” as Bobby Brown would say. (If you know your 80s music, you get this. If you don’t, look it up on the Weird Wide Web.)

I would just like everyone to know this one is backed by SCIENCE. Porn and SCIENCE working together. Ah, such a beautiful couple. Directly from their site:

The result of years of research, a team of scientists used machine learning to analyze 1000 hours of blowjob videos and then replicated the real-life blowjob movements into Autoblow experiences. With an adjustable penis gripper, the AI+ allows you to dial in the exact amount of tightness you prefer to replicate the gliding and sliding action of real blowjobs. Enjoy internet features including downloadable blowjobs, voice control, and remote control. Adult video sync is only available on Autoblow AI Ultra.

Here’s the link for anyone interested in SCIENCE and PORN: https://autoblow.com/product/autoblow-ai/

I’m a nerd, so I know that a snail shell is a logarithmic spiral, and you can find this and other Fibonacci sequences in nature. Snails also have teeth. But did you know you can get a snail sex toy, ladies, that is–according to the site–“The first vibrator in the world to offer the vibrating power of a wand, the insertion depth of a dildo, and the dual stimulation of a rabbit vibrator.” It actually unfurls as you insert it … AHEM.

They do look kind of like snails, and there are different kinds and colors.  I think it looks like a dangerous weapon, but here is the link, and you can buy them wholesale, you know … if you’re planning on having a bachelorette party or decide to send them to a bunch of random people you look up on the internet. (I didn’t tell you to do that, by the way.) Store 1 — Snail Vibe Official (snail-vibe.com)

Maybe, you’re not a tame pussycat in bed and you get bored easily. Maybe, you’ll want to make things a little SEXIER. Here’s a link: https://sextoycollective.com/bdsm-gear/extreme-sex-toys/

Try The Violet Wand Violet Wand Electrosex Toy, kiddos! Quoted from their site:

Based on the “Violet Rays” that doctors would use in the early 1900s, violet wands are basically low-voltage high-frequency electric wands which can be used to shock a partner in a variety of ways. They come with various electrode attachments, including combs, bulbs, and floggers. They come in many different price ranges depending on their power.

Into anal play? Try the stainless-steel speculum. Yep. I said, “stainless- steel speculum.” Now you too can know what a gynecology exam feels like, if you don’t already. Fun, fun, fun times. You can find that toy at the same link: https://sextoycollective.com/bdsm-gear/extreme-sex-toys/

Want to play with your urethra? Umm … I don’t, but maybe, hey, that’s your kink. Here’s a good anonymous review for this product.

This item definitely qualifies as unusual, and a little scary by most people’s standards. This set of curved, 8″ probes is made of chrome-plated brass. Each probe in the series is slightly larger than the one before, and slightly larger on one end than on the other, for a total of 16 graduated sizes, from just over 1/16″ in diameter (very small) to about 5/8″.
The original intended medical use for these probes was to dilate the cervix, but they were also used to clear blockages in the urethra. For people with a fetish for bizarre old medical paraphernalia, these kits are a find.
The tubes are rounded at each end, and they come in a zippered black vinyl case with black felt lining on the inside. Sold as a novelty, not recommended for actual use except under the guidance of an expert.

These ice, ice babies are at the same toy link: 14 Extreme Sex Toys That Push the Boundaries [2024] (sextoycollective.com)

And last, but not least on my really, REALLY weird list, which I’m sure you can find your own good kink, but this IS THE WEIRD WIDE WEB you kinky motherfuckers and you’re STILL here reading THIS.  We can see you! Maybe, you want this … The Agent Noir Electrosex Kit. I quote:

Have you ever fantasized that you’re a sexy secret agent performing some undercover espionage and then… torturing people with electricity? Well, you’re in luck! This cool electrosex kit comes with an electric wand and 9 different attachments, including an electrified whip. Yes, you can literally whip someone and shock them at the same time.

Umm … NO. I’ve never fantasized about torturing people with electricity, but I’m sure there are a LOT of budding serial killers that would love this set. But again … everyone has their kink. You can find this one at the same  link: 14 Extreme Sex Toys That Push the Boundaries [2024] (sextoycollective.com)

My dahlings, my Weird Wide Webbers, my kinky fiends and friends, I hope you’ve found this article stim-u-lat-ing reading. Do you think Dickolas Cage ever calls up Nicholas Cage on the phone?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Nora B. Peevy is a cat trapped in a human’s body. Please send help or tuna. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English Degree with a Concentration in Creative Writing from Cardinal Stritch University and is an Olympic champion sleeper, toiling away for JournalStone/Trepidatio Publishing as a submissions reader and a reviewer for Hellnotes. She is also reading screenplays for the Lovecraft Film Festival again this year. Her first novelette, For the Sake of Brigid was released in May of 2024 and her first novel, Flesh Eating Turtles! will be coming out later this year. Her quirky stories are published in Eighth Tower Press, Weird Fiction Quarterly, Obsidian Butterfly, and other presses. You can find her on Facebook (as Onyx Brightwing), her blog, She Writes Fast | A blog for writers and readers (wordpress.com), and on Slasher as @Sekhautet. She naps in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.